BOSS: ‘You’re an hour late! Where have you been?’
CLERK: ‘Having my hair cut.’
BOSS: ‘What! On company time?’
CLERK: ‘Well, it grew on company time.’
BOSS: ‘It didn’t all grow on company time!’
CLERK: ‘Well, I didn’t have it all cut off.’…[Read more]
The boss was giving a pep talk to the latest recruit to the office staff. ‘I run a tight ship here,’ he said. ‘I want men who are efficient, conscientious and hard-working.’
‘Well, sir,’ said the new recruit, ‘I think you’ll find I always give of my very best at all times.’
‘That’s what everyone says when they start,’ said the boss.…[Read more]
Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”
Tech Support: “What does it say?”
Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”
Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel…[Read more]
Personal Manager to New job applicant: “Why did your manager fire you?”
“Well a manager is the man who stands arround and watches others work, right? ” the young appicant replied.
“Yes, but why did he fire you?”
“He was jelous of me. A lot of workers thought i was the manager!”…[Read more]
FIRST BUSINESSMAN: ‘I really can’t understand why your business failed.’
SECOND BUSINESSMAN: Too much advertising.’
FIRST BUSINESSMAN: ‘Oh, come on – you never spent a penny on advertising.’
SECOND BUSINESSMAN: ‘No – but my competitors…[Read more]
JOB APPLICANT: ‘I’d like to accept the post, sir, but the last place I worked for paid me a much higher salary.’
BOSS: ‘But they didn’t have a generous pension scheme like us, did they?’
JOB APPLICANT: ‘Oh, yes – in fact it was much more generous.’
BOSS: ‘And bonus payments and overtime?’
JOB APPLICANT: ‘Certainly.’
1) MARKETING – You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2)SALES – Laziest of all signs, often referred to as…[Read more]
GIVING 103% AT WORK
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100% Here’s to achieving 103%. Here’s a little
math that might prove helpful in the future!
What makes life 100%?
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
H A R D W O…[Read more]
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to…[Read more]
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is:
A physicist, a statistician and a marketing manager enter into a Mensa IQ competition. They are given a stopwatch and an aneroid barometer and told to find out the height of the tower at No 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, in London.
First back is the statistician: Its 230 meters high, he says. How did you find out? he’s asked. Well, he says, I…[Read more]
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?”
The patient…[Read more]
Impress People-Technical Vocabulary
Do you want to impress or confuse clients or Vice versa? Use Techno vocabulary. It can be called the “Buzzword” writing method. It is simple.
There are three columns of words involved, as follows:
Just select any three-digit number; then use the…[Read more]
A Marketing Consultant employed by KFC gained an audience with the Pope, and offered him a million dollars if he would change ‘The Lord’s Prayer’ from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken.” The Pope refused the offer.
Two weeks later, the consultant offered the Pope 10 million dollars to change it from…[Read more]
The 6th graders filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off: “I sold Girl Scout cookies and made $30,” she said proudly. “My sales approach was to appeal to people’s civic spirit.”
“Very good, Mary,” said the…[Read more]
Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.
Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.
Customer service across the…[Read more]
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and…[Read more]
One day, Johnson went to see his supervisor in his office. “Boss,” he said, “we’re doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with moving and hauling stuff all day.”
“Sorry, Johnson,” the boss replied. “We’re short-handed right now. I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” Johnson beamed. “I…[Read more]
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